My first blog .

Hello there and Welcome to my NOT SO SECRET online diary. I would like to identify it that way until I find a suitable writing niche for myself and on second thoughts I don't want to fill up book pages , it's damn exhausting and it being thrown away to the scrap dealer just to fetch some pocket penny which is added to your piggy bank is not worth the efforts . Hence here I present to you 'Perhaps' (drumrolls) . Also the creative that you see at the beginning of the blog has been designed by me and I owe it's inspiration to "THE DIARY OF A WIMPY KID" :D. 

Uff !! Cutting off this trash talk , I'd take a moment to introduce myself . I'm Gloria Mathias ,I'm a student, an 18 years old, absolutely bored with this lockdown ,alike all teenagers, trying to figure something out on my own to feel a sense of individuality. I've been eagerly trying to understand how uncertain my future is going to be and how everything will be a mess, however I'm proud of myself for everytime I think about my future career...I conveniently manipulate my self to believe the exact opposite ." The brighter future ,the good days , this shall too pass " types .That's my coping mechanism.

Unfortunately, three months have gone in vain pondering , brainstorming and ideating on how to start a blog . There have been nights when I've literally decided from blog name to the blog layout but till dawn it becomes a dream , a far fetched one. However I enjoyed the process ;) What's holding me back then ? 

That's very difficult to answer because ,' What doesn't hold you back when you are unambitious to do anything? you anticipate failure you shall face even before you begin.  I procrastinated thinking ,what if I didn't do justice to my work like underperform in one blog but did extremely well in another one . And the most absurd excuse of all times , WHAT IF PEOPLE WERE TOO SELF-IMMERSED AND NEVER WANT TO READ MY BLOG!! . Believe me , I laughed so hard thinking of this . However, WHAT IFs have always been a very essential part of my life , may it be curbing my personal growth to effectively pushing me towards things I sincerely fear . 

 

Then , this happened : I had this tragic sight of my future self , some 15- 20 years from now , it's an enthralling rainy day , sitting by the window pane , sipping some warm lemon tea ,I seem to enjoy and relish the serenity , but even in the silence , I have no peace . I'm able to hear my thoughts that my regret-conscious self keeps reminding me of . At that age, I do not want to regret for not making the desired choices , do not want to regret for not being bold enough ,for fearing people's judgment and to surrender such a good experience of my life .However I still have these internal monologuing sessions with myself ,of what would be the topics I'd cover or write about ,would I make sense , would I sound wrong ? Even when I was proofreading and writing my first draft , I was relentlessly thinking of quitting . Don't come at me for that now :) 

In a Nutshell , PERHAPS as the word means uncertainty has been a persistent and neverending thought, feeling and emotion about various things, issues and moments in my brain and would want to serve it on platter to the fullest of my ability. Perhaps is a notion; I'd try to convey which is for you to acknowledge and recognize which could contradict your perception and perhaps that's my purpose.  

Lastly, thanks a ton for visiting my blog , I know its easily accessible and just a few clicks away ,however I value you because very few people from their sluggish lifestyle would pay any heed to this .I can't emphasize enough on how much of a massive deal, it is for me even if it seems small .I've endlessly experienced an undeniable love for writing and particularly so it has always offered me solace .Hence a blog :)

Do share it with the people you feel have enough potential yet hesitate to witness that and dwell in denial . If only my blogs could become a source of empowerment , my day would be made . So keep sharing and see you soon . Happy day ! 

Love, 

Gloria Mathias.